Topic #3: Fear, Discomfort, and Diving In

Striving to be a white ally can feel like complicated business. It’s easier to do it wrong than to do it right, so why risk speaking out and looking foolish?

I hear you.

My first blog post was intended for a mainly white audience. Research shows that people can be most effective by working within their own groups to make change, so this was my mission. But before I knew it, my black friend shared my post on his Facebook page and then his Latina friend shared it, and next thing you know I’m speaking to a much wider audience in number and color than I had originally planned. I started getting reeeeeal nervous because I was certain something I wrote was imperfect or inaccurate and I would look like a damn white fool.

And then I was like #fuckit.

Dear white friends: I challenge you to acknowledge your fear and discomfort, and to accept that it’s not a good reason to be silent about injustice. I wish it weren’t necessary to do more than we're already doing, but it is. Admit it with me: Us white folks dip our toes into the murky waters of activism by posting (clearly ineffective) insults at Donald Trump, but we get squeamish about sharing posts on cross burnings (like the one in Dubuque, Iowa two weeks ago that you never heard about) and police shootings (there were 102 for you to report on Facebook in 2015 alone, that’s about 2 per week). Maybe you’re a liberal, but you don’t want to be perceived as hysterical, or heaven forbid, as a negative person. I get it, I really do. But I need your help. If we want to claim that we’re doing something, then we need to do more. Please give me a shout out, share it, or have a conversation this week about what you read here. I’ll be looking for your thumb on Facebook. Yes, you.

This piece will focus on ways to be a more compassionate and useful advocate for social justice and racial equality, with the goal of alleviating some of the uncertainty and nervousness that occurs while stepping into unfamiliar water. I hope to save you time by summarizing tips I’ve found from other white allies and people of color, including mistakes folks have made along the way and careful attention to what works. The list is by no means comprehensive, but rather a draft in progress. Dive in with me.

THE “TO DO” CHECKLIST FOR PEOPLE STRIVING TO BE WHITE ALLIES

Listen.

Or, “shut up and listen,” as stated by Mia McKenzie on her brilliant webpage Blackgirldangerous.org. Being an ally is about listening, and then listening some more. By listening some more, I mean that just because one person of color says something is okay or not okay doesn’t mean he or she speaks for all. Case in point: When comedian Larry Wilmore directed the n-word at President Obama during the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, people went crazy complaining about the double standard. Shortly after, the NAACP made an official statement claiming that the organization believes using the word is unacceptable in any context (http://goo.gl/urBL0u).

Here’s another example: You may have noticed that I don’t capitalize the terms “black” or “white,” but I do capitalize the terms Native American and Latina. My choice comes from research on the appropriate way to list a physical description versus regional association, and the complications that come with using the terms European-American or African-American in this context. However, if you try and research this issue yourself you’ll find that there are a variety of opinions out there, and little agreement between people of the same race. (http://goo.gl/F6xOmI). So I'm trying it this way, but if you don't like it, I'm listening.

Apologize.

We all blow it sometimes, so let’s apologize when we screw up. If someone says I’ve overstepped, I don’t need to agree with why it was hurtful, but I can still apologize for something I said or did that caused harm. Seeking to understand why it hurt is important, but if at the end of the day I just don’t get it, I can still acknowledge that I’m seeking to understand, and apologize to help repair the damage. Consider upgrading to the Platinum Rule, “Do unto others as he or she would have done to them,” rather than using the good old Golden Rule, which simply advises that we treat others how we ourselves would want to be treated.

Give props.

“Part of being an ally means giving credit where credit is due and never taking credit for the anti-oppressive thinking, writing, theorizing, and action of the marginalized and oppressed.” (Jamie Utt, everydayfeminism.com/). Just because we’re speaking out doesn’t mean we created these ideas. When in doubt, cite, cite, cite. We know our history books are biased, so let’s start repairing the damage by giving props where they belong. We hope our voices help amplify ideas that originated with and continue to be championed by people of color.

Learn about intersectionality.

Intersectionality describes the ways in which oppressive institutions (racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, etc.) are interconnected. White feminism is a perfect example. “Too often, white women refuse to name the ways in which they play vital roles in upholding white supremacy. We tend to engender white supremacy and see it as a white man’s problem” (thefeministgriote.com).

It should come as no surprise that black and Latina women are ticked off that we call ourselves feminists when:

-       We claim that women got the right to vote in 1920 when in reality, some women of color did not get the right to vote until the 1960’s.

-       We know names like Gloria Steinem and Betty Frieden but not Audre Lorde or Alfonsina Storni. Quick: Who are they?

-       We fail to recognize how much the wage gap depends on race. We constantly mention that American women make 78 cents to every dollar made by a man, but we forget to add that Hispanic women earn 54 percent, followed by black women at 64 percent, and Native American women at 65 percent to the dollar of every white man in America (newrepublic.com).

THE “DON’T” CHECKLIST FOR PEOPLE STRIVING TO BE WHITE ALLIES

Don’t confuse "doing no harm" with "doing the right thing."

Yes, I’m a product of the paradigm in which I was raised, of course I didn’t enslave anyone personally, and no, I don’t condone racist language. Those aren’t good reasons for me to be silent instead of actively and loudly fighting for equality and social justice. Doing the right thing is entirely different than not doing something wrong. 

Don’t say you understand how someone feels when you couldn’t possibly.

As stated by Dr. Joy DeGruy, white people enter the conversation at the 100 level (referring to prerequisite-level college courses). People of color enter the conversation at the 600 level (referring to graduate-level college courses) simply due to the imbalance in our direct experience with racism. It doesn’t matter that I studied abroad in a place where I was a minority or that I’ve experienced discrimination because I’m a woman. My ancestors were not collectively enslaved by another race that continues to oppress me, so I really just don’t understand.

Don’t make it about you.

It’s understandable to feel defensive when learning about white privilege. I can’t tell you how many of my students respond by saying they’re offended, they feel targeted, stereotyped, or the victim or reverse racism. Ya’ll remember the Princeton student who wrote the piece that went viral called “Why I’ll Never Apologize for My White Male Privilege” (http://goo.gl/RmZCEH)? Yeah. Social science researcher Aaron Cargile was so sick of hearing this crap from students that he did a study where he developed a taxonomy of predictable defensive responses to learning about white privilege, which he aptly titled, “Why Are You Shoving This Stuff Down Our Throats?” Preparing Intercultural Educators to Challenge Performances of White Racism. Here’s the gist: We should expect white recipients of the message to get defensive, it’s natural. But if we hand over the mic to try and make them feel better, the entire message gets muddled and we’re back to square one, which is focusing on white people’s experience and feelings at the expense of making progress.

Don’t think that claiming you are a white ally makes you one.

“Being in solidarity is something we can strive for, but in the end, it is the choice of those we are attempting to ally ourselves to as to whether they trust us enough to call us an ally.” (Jamie Utt, http://everydayfeminism.com/).

Being an ally is not about claiming an identity, but rather about action. It’s about showing that you’re willing to risk the approval and liking of your complacent friends in order to recognize and speak out about racism. If we're unwilling to do even this then we'll never gain the trust we're seeking from people of color.

In the must-read article Organizing White People, (http://goo.gl/7oM0zL), Ella Mahony captures it brilliantly with the following Malcom X quote:

“Where the really sincere white people have got to do their “proving” of themselves [as anti-racist] is not among the black victims, but out on the battle lines of where America’s racism really is — and that’s in their own home communities; America’s racism is among their fellow whites. That’s where sincere whites who really mean to accomplish something have got to work…”

So what do you say, friends? Won’t you dive in with me?